“Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.”

-- Pablo Picasso

On Tuesday this week, one of my students asked: "how do I know why I paint the way I do?" 

Introspection is a big part of my teaching. I encourage my students to journal about their art, their motivations, their interests and their hang-ups. For many people journaling is a way to access the deeper drives behind their art. Why are they compelled to do this? What are they trying to express?

But sometimes we can't access the answers this way. This particular student told me "I've never been good at introspection."

The truth is, I often struggle with the same thing. Sometimes journaling can unlock ideas and motivations, but other times, I just feel confused.

Why, for example, am I currently making self-portraits, one after the other?

I find myself exploring my own face in many different ways and many different media. (This drawing on the left was started as a 'touch drawing,' where I touch the shapes of my face and draw in response to what I feel.)

Some of the drawings are interesting, others do not work at all. And with no end game in sight, I wonder if I am simply being self-indulgent and wasting time. And yet the compulsion remains. If I try to move back to abstract painting, it feels empty and meaningless (although I hope this won't be the case forever). 

As well as the drawings, I have two large paintings on the go. These pieces now have multiple layers and feel no closer to being resolved. 

This is not frustrating - rather I have been enjoying the process and I am intrigued by what's happening and why. I find myself defining my face from time to time, before almost immediately painting over it again, leaving only a shadow behind.

I posted the above image on Instagram and described this process, which is when David Tidswell (@david.tidswell) commented on my post. It was a short comment. He simply said "gaining face, losing face, and the liminal space inbetween."

And suddenly, I saw how these self-portraits are mirroring my life, and why I can't yet resolve them. After a period of great change and rapid growth, I find myself in a period of re-adjustment. Prior limitations no longer exist, choices have opened up. Everything has shifted around me and I am deciding anew who I am, and what I want to do next. 

I am currently in the liminal space and these paintings reflect that. 

So to go back to my student's question ("how do I find out why I'm making art when I'm no good at introspection?"), I think you simply make things. I think you keep making what feels most interesting to you, and the truth gets revealed when you're ready. 

So often we think that we must have a plan, because then we have something to work towards. But in my experience, plans actually limit our expression. We know much more than we have consciously thought, let alone said out loud. But those things can be expressed if we step out of our own way and just make stuff. 

It's the closest thing to magic I've ever experienced :)